Senshi Commercials
by Cassima
Summary: A series of short commercials/skits. Each features a different one of the bunch.
1. Sailor Pluto Commercials

Sailor Pluto Commercials New And Improved--Sailor Pluto, a Documentary By [Cassima][1]

Disclaimer: If I owned them, would I be writing this thing? Hell, no! Nor do I foster any hard feelings that I am aware of towards Bill Gates, Microsoft, Tetris, Acme Hardware, Pizza Hut, the Salvation Army, the Catholic church, Rite Aid, Tootsie Roll Pops, the US Military, Kroger, Vipers, Idaho, JFK, Cheetos or anything else I may have mentioned. ::g::

Summary: A few short nonsensical pieces about Setsuna. Be aware that this is not for the serious-of-heart. Pure silliness ensues, and I might even throw in a few big words. ;)

Rating: I have a slight potty mouth. Rated PG for language.

Author's warning: This is not necessarily how I view any of the characters. This is just my satirical rendering of them.

Top Ten Things Setsuna Would Like To Know:

10. "Why do I only seem to have two sets of clothes?"

9. "Why does my social life consist of guarding the gate of time, raising Sailor Saturn--again, mind you--and saving Sailor Moon's butt?"

8. "If I'm Sailor Pluto, and Pluto is the guardian of the dead, why does Saturn get all the bad-ass death attacks?"

7. "Why does my hair never get tangled?"

6. "Where _do_ I keep that Time Staff of mine, anyway???"

5. "How old am I, really?"

4. "If I didn't pass out those neat little time keys to traveling bad guys and princesses, would I still need to guard the gate of time?"

3. "How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?"

2. "Okay, ignoring all that bullshit I fed Uranus and Neptune--how did I actually come back to life?"

1. "If dying doesn't affect my appearance in the future, WHY THE HELL DON'T I JUST USE THE 'FORBIDDEN' POWERS MORE OFTEN?!?"

Sailor Pluto slumps against her time staff, eyes closing wearily. "I'm sure it wouldn't hurt if I took just a _teeny_ nap..."

The whole Dark Moon Family, seeing her asleep, tiptoes by her and slips through the Gate of Time.

Cracking an eye, Sailor Pluto looks around. "Nope, nothing's changed."

Need help staying awake for thousands of years?

Pluto nods sleepily and cracks her back.

We've got just what you need.

Pluto slides a lazy eye open in interest. "I'm listening."

The latest in over-the-counter deals is now available to you!

"Everything is available to me. I can just move to the point in time that it's being sold in and go get it."

Yeah... well... it's available now. Look, do you want it or not?

She rubs her eyes. "Please, continue."

Ultra Pep-Up Time Defy-ers help you stay awake and ready to fight for eons to come!

"What's the catch?"

No catch! No catch, Miss Pluto!

"Miz Pluto."

Miz Pluto. Anything for a defender of justice and peace!!

Pluto raises an eyebrow skeptically. "Where can I get these Ulcer- Pepper-Upper-Timer-Deflies?"

Ultra Pep-Up Time Defy-ers are available at your nearest drugstore, so buy some today!!

She looks disgusted and sarcastic. "Oh, yeah, a drugstore. Well, that's just around the corner, now isn't it? Right next to the Acme Hardware strip mall?"

Actually, Acme Hardware was taken over by a Kroger, which was taken over by the Catholic church, which was taken over by the Salvation Army, which was taken over by Bill Gates and Microsoft, commandeered by the US Army and eventually changed into a Rite Aid.

"You have GOT to be kidding." Her mouth is agape. "I'm very up-to date with time. How could I have missed all these changes?"

Who can keep up with all these mergers and such?

She sighs. "Do they deliver?"

What do you think this is, Pizza Hut or something?

"You know, I'm getting really sick and tired of you."

Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it, huh? Gotta stay by the gate, don't you? Loooooser!

"Dead Scream."

For you, Miz Pluto, they deliver.

_(Tiny Print: side effects may include nausea, extreme exhaustion, a tendency towards death and decapitation, and a strengthening of mysterious tendencies. Please check with your Rite Aid janitor to see if Ultra Pep-Up Time Defy-ers are right for you.)_

Concerning Sailor Pluto and the Other Senshi:

ChibiMoon: Sailor Pluto and Sailor ChibiMoon have come to a standstill since Pluto realized just how degrading it was to be referred to as "poo".

Jupiter: Sailor Jupiter has felt pissed off at Sailor Pluto ever since the Potato and Cream Cheese Incident, but as soon as she scrapes the leftovers off her ceiling she and Pluto will be able to form an alliance against the state of Ida-ho for its viciousness towards Ida.

Mars: Sailor Pluto's ability to work with Sailor Mars is hampered by the fact that Pluto takes enjoyment in using her Time Staff to extinguish the Sacred Flame.

Mercury: Sailor Pluto and Sailor Mercury make a good team--as long as Pluto is allowed to play Tetris on the mini supercomputer when they're done.

Moon: Sailor Pluto and Sailor Moon would get together better if Pluto could just erase that tiny, nagging itch to hit her over the head with the heavy end of the Time Staff.

Neptune: Sailor Pluto and Sailor Neptune work together well when Neptune's not too busy mooning over Haruka and that fabulous red Viper that Setsuna never gets to drive.

Pluto: Pluto is her own best friend. They go for shopping splurges, frappechinos, and heart-to-hearts far more often than the good doctors deem wise.

Saturn: Sailor Saturn and Sailor Pluto make a good combination. They balance each other well--as long as Saturn refrains from using the Garnet Orb to sharpen her Glaive. 

Tuxedo Kamen: Sailor Pluto and Tuxedo Kamen make a fairly decent team. He distracts the enemies with his confusing babble of advice while she boinks them over the head with her heavy metal staff-thing.

Uranus: Sailor Pluto and Sailor Uranus have had problems ever since Pluto caught Uranus prying the jewels off her Sword sheath and using Elmer's glue to paste on rhinestones instead. She objected to the sacrilege of pawning pieces of her own talisman for gas money.

Venus: Sailor Venus best stay away from Sailor Pluto. Venus' air-headed-ness puts a balloon to shame, and one of Pluto's favorite hobbies is popping those things with her Time Staff.

"Oh, no!!!" Setsuna's voice echoes over the chamber.

Ami's head pokes in the door. "Something wrong?"

Setsuna holds up the end of her Time Staff, tearfully showing Ami the shattered Garnet Orb. "I was using it to prop the door open when Haruka slammed it shut. I'll never get it back together!" Hugging the Garnet Orb to her chest, she bursts into tears.

Ami sighs in sympathy. "Oh, Setsuna, that's terrible!" Her eyes suddenly light up. "Wait, I know!" She helps Setsuna gather all the pieces and takes them to the kitchen. Digging in a nearby drawer, she finally holds up her prize. "Problem solved!"

"Ami, I can't GLUE it back together again!!"

"Setsuna, this is no ordinary glue! This is Super Sealant!"

Close up on the Super Sealant.

"But, Ami, this is the _Garnet Orb_ we're talking about here. I'm not sure it's repairable." 

Ami smiles slyly. "You didn't really buy that story that I bonded the molecules back together in the Silver Crystal after Usagi stepped on it, did you?"

"But... it looked great! You're saying this Super Sealant got rid of all those cracks?"

"It sure did! Let's get to work. I always did like puzzles..."

_Hours later..._

"Ami, I hate to admit it, but you were right. You can't even tell the damage was done." Setsuna grins as she examines her newly-repaired Garnet Orb. "It's perfect!"

"I use Super Sealant for everything!"

"Well, now I will, too!" They laugh and smile at each other for a minute. Finally, Setsuna's smile fades. "About the Silver Crystal..."

Ami waves it off. "Don't worry about that. Luna swapped it for a plastic one after _that_ incident."

The two women laugh.

Super Sealant--it works for you!

_(Tiny Print: Keep away from small friendly children. Give to annoying, non-constructive children that you don't want to get the gun permit to shoot. If Super Sealant gets on the skin, cut off immediately. If ingested, call bank and transfer all funds to a loved one's account. No cute bunny rabbits were harmed in the testing of this product, though the director did shoot a few chipmunks.)_

Top Ten Things Sailor Pluto Would Like to do Before She Dies:

10. Polish her Time Key--it's not really purple, it's actually silver.

9. Stay sober for a few days to figure out what color her eyes actually are when not bloodshot.

8. Re-design all the senshi's fukus. That Sailor-look is *so* last millennium.

7. Figure out exactly _what_ shade of lipstick she wears and slowly disembowel the person who invented the nasty, skanky shade. And the make up designer who made her wear it.

6. Visit her Pluto and go skiing.

5. Attach a bayonet to her Time Staff.

4. Eat a bowl of green M&Ms.

3. See herself with her hair down.

2. Tell everyone who _really_ killed JFK. The bastard. ::evil laugh::

1. Be a Toys R Us kid.

Hi, my name is Meio Setsuna, and I'd like to tell you all about Shave-ex.

When I first became a Sailor Senshi, I didn't realize how ugly my armpit hair looked, spiky next to my fuku. When Princess Serenity finally told me, I was _mortified_! I didn't know what to do!

She told me about Shave-ex. Just attach it to your armpit one night before you go to bed, and when you wake up in the morning, your armpit hair is all gone! This little miracle will last for half a year.

The Shave-ex works by inserting little tendrils of acid into your armpit to dissolve the hair at the root of the problem. Sure, it may hurt a little to begin with, but whenever you transform, it brings that smooth sense of satisfaction to know that you won't embarrass the whole team because you didn't have time to shave that morning!

Shave-ex--it really works well!

_(Fine Print: Not to be used by those with sensitive skin, lymph nodes, or diarrhea.)_

Top Ten Things that Annoy Setsuna

10. Barbie-bashing. Hey, some people are that tall!

9. The Gate of Time. People should either visit regularly or stay the hell away from it. None of this 'try to take over the world by going back/forwards in time' crap.

8. Small, yipping dogs. Take this, Toto! ::boink!:: Heh, heh.

7. The lack of guys in her life (and Tuxie doesn't count).

6. "Sailor Moon" this, "Sailor Moon" that. What about Sailor Pluto, huh? Huh? She ain't exactly chopped liver.

5. Small children who want to touch her Time Staff.

4. The Inner Senshi saving her ass from a monster.

3. Thigh-high boots.

2. Damn squirrels.

1. People who want to take over the world getting stopped by Sailor Moon's "But, that's bad!!" speech. Is there no evil left in the world?!?

Words I think my spell check should have:

  * ain't
  * boink
  * skanky

::Insane laughter:: So, read this, did you? Got to the credits, did you? Good! I'm so proud of you! Hey, Sets, roll 'em!

Author: Cassima

Gaffer: Cassima

Producer: Rabid Monkey

Sailor in charge: One Eyed Harry

Set Designer: The kid next door's aunt's roommate's 3rd grade science teacher's iguana.

Starring:

  * Setsuna: Barbie Gone Bad
  * Narrator: Cheetos Cheetah
  * Ami: Herself (wow! a real cameo appearance! Wow, this is sooooo cool I think I'm going to die of excitement right here I'm going to wet my pants I'm going to explode I'm so excited--

**BAM!**

::little pieces of the credit writer flutter to the floor::

Cassima: ... Uh... well... that's a bit embarassing... heh heh heh... Uh... Yeah.

Sailor Moon Says: Pocket Lint is Good!

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	2. Sailor Mercury Commercials

Sailor Mercury--Revealed! New and Improved--Sailor Mercury, a Documentary. By [Cassima][1]

Disclaimer: Own them? I wish. I have nothing on Naoko Takeuchi. ::sigh:: The opinions projected about the following may or may not be the opinions of the author: Nuclear Warfare, Rogaine, Go-go boots, Neosporin, Chemotherapy, Happy Banana's Hair Salon, Einstein, and the Powerpuff Girls.

Summary: No plot whatsoever. Really. Honest. If you find one, let me know. A few nonsensical pieces about my darling Ami-chan. ::g::

Warning: PG-13 for language. I washed my mouth out with soap, but it didn't help. Sorry. :)

Author's Warning: This is not necessarily how anyone views any of the characters. This is just my satirical rendering of them. ;)

Top Ten New Supergadgets Sailor Mercury Would Like:

10. Super Blasto Stun Ray--hey, an offensive attack would be nice for a change.

9. Heck, since we're into offensive attacks, why not a couple nukes? Hehehe "Pick on the blue girl, will you?" **BAM! FWOOSH!!** New Sacred Fire for Rei.

8. A random generator of smart-sounding things to say when the rest of the senshi are being incredibly dumb.

7. Tetris on her mini-supercomputer.

6. A fog machine with colored lighting capabilities-- just for those dramatic entrances.

5. A portable floppy A drive for her mini-supercomputer.

4. A love letter filter for her locker. No more of those stupid things standing in the way of _her_ AP Biology book, nope, nope!

3. A piano. ...So what if it's not a supergadget? She wants one!

2. A spinney wand-thing that takes two powerups to even do any damage so she can be just like her idol, Sailormoon.

1. Go-go boots with adjustable heel size.

"ARGH!!! WHY DOES MY HAIRDRESSER _DO_ THIS TO ME?!?"

Usagi looks up sympathetically. "I think she hates you."

Ami stares into the mirror. "First I had glue hair, then I had hat hair, then I had good hair for a while, until that one guy croaked, and then I had bowl hair, and now this! It's absolutely embarrassing!!" Tentatively, she brushes her fingers along her hair and cringes.

"It's not that bad. Honest," Usagi comforts. "We should ask Michiru where she gets her hair done. She always looks nice."

"It's too late..." Ami moans. "The damage has already been inflicted. It'll take 3.621 months for it to grow back."

"Michiru!" Usagi calls to their approaching friend.

"Hello, Usagi!" the woman greets kindly. "Who's your new friend?"

Ami turns to face her.

"Oh, my!" Michiru looks abashed. "Ami! You have a mohawk!"

"'It's not that noticeable'," Ami quotes petulantly, giving Usagi a pointed look.

"Okay, so maybe I stretched the truth a bit," Usagi brushes her off. "But, Michiru, do you know any way we can fix this?"

Michiru frowns. "Well, there's always Rogaine..."

Ami shakes her head frantically.

"My advice?" Michiru offers quietly. "Shave it all off. Tell your friends you're going through chemotherapy."

_Get your hair cut at Happy Banana's Scissors Today!_

Horoscope time! Sailor Mercury and The Other Senshi

**ChibiMoon**: Sailor Mercury is assisting Sailor Chibimoon's training, though Chibimoon has yet to beat the awesome "Shabon Spray".

**Jupiter**: Sailor Jupiter's brawn and Sailor Mercury's brains make them an invincible team... though Sailor Jupiter's habit of lusting after every friggin' guy from Tokyo to San Diego traveling west tends to send Mercury running.

**Mars**: Sailor Mercury and Sailor Mars will get along just fine when Mercury quits freezing the Sacred Fire whenever Mars' back is turned.

**Mercury**: Keep Sailor Mercurys apart at all costs!! So much intelligence in a small radius produces boredom, the predecessor to catastrophe!

**Moon**: The genius of Sailor Mercury cancels out the void in Sailor Moon's head, equaling normal intelligence.

**Neptune**: Sailor Mercury and Sailor Neptune are in the process of holding a Grand Champion Rock-Paper-Scissors contest to divvy up their powers. So far, Neptune has won but once.

**Pluto**: Sailor Mercury and Sailor Pluto will get along as soon as they stop the fierce rivalry they have going right now and quit blowing up each others science projects. Then they will jointly rule the world! BWAHAHAHA!!

**Saturn**: Sailor Mercury and Sailor Saturn enjoy discussing Plato and the quaint habits of differential calculus, though they hesitate to fight together; both feel they are too short to gain any sort of respect from the enemy. 

**Tuxedo Kamen**: Sailor Mercury and Tuxedo Kamen act as therapists for each other, mainly because of the common desire for intelligent company (for once).

**Uranus**: Sailor Mercury and Sailor Uranus have made a truce because Sailor Uranus prefers not to pick on the underdog, and Sailor Mercury's world domination plans include the need for a body guard.

**Venus**: Sailor Mercury just wishes Sailor Venus would not skip around and pop her Shabon Spray during battles.

"Shimatta!" Minako blinks. "Did I just swear in French? Megacool!"

Ami sweatdrops. "Is something the matter, Minako?"

Minako scowls and nods. "My bow just won't tie right today! It keeps falling off in the middle of a battle. It's so embarrassing!"

Ami reaches into a drawer. "Have you tried pinning it in with hairpins?"

Minko nods listlessly. "My hair must be just too silky and soft, for the pins just drop right out!"

Ami sweatdrops again. "Riiiiiiight... look, I know a way to put your hair up so it'll never fall down again."

"Really?" Minako squeals. "I'd do anything!"

"It's called Super Sealant." She holds up a tube.

Minako frowns. "It's not made with animal products, is it?"

Once again, Ami sweatdrops. "No..."

Minako plops down in a chair and gestures to her head. "Make my bow stay, Ami!"

_A few minutes later..._

"Wow!" Minako says. "My hair looks really good! Thank you, Super Sealent! You saved my life!" Happily, she skips out the door.

A small, evil grin comes over Ami's face. Her eyes darken, and she begins to giggle.

Super Sealant: Once you stick, it's stuck!

_(Not for use on cats, rabbits, or chimpanzees. May react with wood products to produce vomiting. Do not mix with AntiSealant. Results may vary. The warranty has already expired, so don't even bother calling our hotline, because it's a fake number, anyway. Trained penguins have better grammar than we do, because we're untrained penguins. I want a fish! Give me fish!)_

The Top Ten People Ami Admires:

10. The Powerpuff Girls, 'cause they're always able to save the world _before_ bedtime, while Sailor Moon often wakes them up at ungodly hours to save the helpless citizens of Tokyo.

9. People on shows with multiple intelligent characters--no, actually, that's more people she _envies_.

8. Sailor Saturn, because she plays with the _big toys_ and never even gets a "nekkid transformation sequence" (NTS).

7. Takeuchi-sama--hey, a little sucking up never hurt anyone!

6. Michiru-san. Haruka doesn't write her any love letters, and would beat anyone who did into the ground.

5. Taiki-kun is so _smart_!

4. Mamoru, because he's kept up his IQ and hung out with Usagi at the same time.

3. Luna, because she keeps all those nifty gadgets hidden _somewhere_. Ami really wants to hold her upside down and shake her, to see if anything'll fall out.

2. Sailor Moon, because of the sheer uncorrupted power!... for now, anyway... bwahahaha!

1. Einstein, because he's everything she wants in a man.

Ami looks up from her desk, which is covered with books and loose papers from miscellaneous subjects. Surprised to see the camera, she blinks and removes her glasses. "Konnichiwa, minna-san! I was just doing some research."

She looks around furtively. "You see, I've discovered this special ointment that can heal almost any injury. Let me show you."

The screen cuts to a battle scene, where we see Sailor Mars getting creamed by a youma. It's a massacre. The thing is just _tearing_ her apart. Finally, it is destroyed when a flower pot falls from an over-looking window sill and hits it on the head.

Ami's voiceover is heard above the action. "Even though Rei looks injured now, tomorrow she will have almost no scarring whatsoever."

Ami is sitting next to Rei in Rei's bedroom now, bandaging her wounds. "As you can see, Rei-chan's arm is almost completely severed." Sure enough, the black-haired girl's arm is hanging on to her shoulder by a mere tendon. "Now, I just apply a little Neosporin..."

Show close-up of Neosporin.

"And in no time at all, her arm is back to normal!" A 24-hour clock arm moves around the screen, revealing a perfectly normal arm.

Show Ami's smiling face. "Neosporin prevents gangrene and those ugly little pink scars. It protects you when your fuku doesn't!"

Minako runs in and grabs the bottle, flashing the victory sign at the camera before running off.

Ami frowns and turns in the direction that her blonde friend ran. "Minako-chan! You can't use it as a contraceptive! Minako!"

_Neosporin--your new cure-all!_

In the background, Ami's voice can be heard yelling again. "Minako-chan!"

_(warning: for external purposes only, unless prescribed by your doctor. Not for people you are trying to kill off. In less than 30% of the test group, Neosporin was shown to cause herpes and extreme dandruff. Use only as rabid worms will allow.)_

Top Ten Most Confusing Moments In Sailor Mercury's Life

10. Why is everyone drooling over Haruka? Can't they see she's a woman?

9. Wait--Shabon Spray just makes a lot of bubbles?

8. Mercury's not the god of flowers?

7. How am I supposed to do a flying kick in this itty-bitty skirt?

6. ...but if you divide _that_ by the cosine of 3x-to-the-eighth-power, you get the tangent of 6y divided by the cosecant of 12, which is obviously incorrect, so where did I mess up? The second step or the 913th?

5. What _is_ Rei's and Usagi's obsession with that Masked Man?

4. What the--oh, crap, _Neptune_ has water powers, too?!

3. Okay, so Mercury is the planet closest to the sun, but I have ice power. ...I don't get it.

2. Where's the disk drive on my mini-super-computer?

1. "Puppies may seem sweet and innocent, but you never want to feed them chocolate"? What the hell is Tuxedo Kamen-sama saying?

Words I think my spell check should have:

  * supergadgets
  * fwoosh
  * mohawk (they're not just Indian tribes anymore!)

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